How to deal with non-violent conflict
Living with a bunch of other people is never going to be hassle-free.
Later in this guide, there is a section on moving out which explains the legal issues when a share house breaks up.
However, it’s best to do what you can to avoid problems before the house falls apart.
Even in the best share houses, relationship problems can arise.
Use common sense – don’t steal your housemate’s milk or play loud music at 3 am.
It’s also not a good idea to have numerous friends stay over without checking it’s ok with your housemates first.
If you’re in a bad mood, try not to take it out on the others – go for a walk instead.
Unfortunately, despite the best intentions, arguments will occur.
These might be between two housemates who have different politics, or between one housemate who wants to buy a dog and the rest of the household who don’t want a dog around.
If problems develop in the household, you and your housemates could consider going to a community justice centre for free help.
These organisations provide mediation services to assist people in dispute.
If you and your housemates agree to participate in a mediation, you will be able to discuss the problem in the presence of a mediator, who will help you come to a resolution.
This section will not apply if the conflict becomes violent.
Domestic violence can occur between housemates and it is not just limited to physical violence – it can also include verbal abuse and threats of violence.
See Domestic Violence for more information about what to do in these situations.
Tips for dealing with non-violent conflict
If you’re in conflict with a housemate, and there is no threat of physical violence, deal with them face-to-face if possible.
This is always better than sending letters and messages, banging on walls, throwing things, or talking to other housemates about them.
Plan to talk to your housemate at an appropriate time and allow enough time to do it.
Don’t start when they are about to go to work, or you’ve had a terrible day, or just before you have to cook dinner.
It only adds to the frustration.
Find a place where you can both sit comfortably and quietly for a while.
Think beforehand about what you want to say.
It’s important to state clearly what the problem is and how you feel about it.
Don’t blame your housemate for everything or begin with your opinion of what should be done.
Avoid judgemental or accusing statements, e.g. ‘You’re a demanding/lazy person…’.
This will only make it harder for them to take on what you’re saying.
Don’t interpret their behaviour.
That is, don’t say ‘You’re not doing the washing-up just to piss me off’.
Instead, say ‘When you don’t do the washing-up, I get angry because it means I have to do it all’.
Give your housemate a chance to tell their side of the story and what they think has been happening to cause the trouble.
Be prepared to relax, listen, and take everything in.
It may be revealed, for instance, that the reason they won’t do the washing-up is because they’ve cleaned the bathroom every week since you moved in and are pissed off about that!
Let your housemate know that you hear what they’re saying, even if you don’t agree with what they say.
Tell them you’re glad you’re talking about the problem.
When you’ve reached this point, try working on the dispute together.
Work out what you both have to do to resolve the problem.
Get the whole problem out in the open.
Don’t leave out the part that seems ‘less important’ or is the hardest to talk about.
These are the things that will ruin any solution you come up with.
Agree to check with each other at a specific time in the future to see how things are going and don’t forget to do it.
If you find it is too difficult to talk to your housemate or find that each time you try, you end up shouting or getting upset, call one of the community justice centres to try to arrange a mediation session.
However, both of you will have to be willing to participate in order for mediation to work.
How to deal with the landlord
Some of the most common problems housemates face as tenants are the landlord’s refusal to do repairs, ensure reasonable security of the premises, or respect your privacy.
The following are some suggestions for getting the reluctant landlord or agent to do what they should.
Notify your landlord/agents as soon as you become aware of a problem.
Complain in person or on the phone and then follow up with a letter/email confirming what was said.
Make sure you keep a copy of the letter/email.
If you can, take someone along to act as a witness when you first go to see the landlord/agent about the problem.
If nothing happens, keep phoning and sending follow-up letters or emails.
Your letters should clearly outline the problem, what you want done, and the history of your complaint, i.e., when you first made contact, etc.
This will make your case stronger if you have to apply to the Tribunal or another dispute body to deal with the problem.
Keep a copy of all your letters.
You can find sample letters at www.tenants.org.au.
Quote the relevant sections of the Residential Tenancies Act to your landlord/agent.
You can find the Act here.
Call your local tenancy advice service if you need help.
Keep a record of your conversations with the landlord/agent.
Buy a notebook for this purpose and keep it safely with your tenancy agreement and bond receipt.
Record the dates of conversations, who you spoke to, and what they agreed to.
Keep all e-mails sent and responded to.
Be warned that e-mails are often written in the heat of the moment and sometimes people say things that they do not mean, or do not understand their legal consequences.
Emails should remain formal and dispassionate.
Do not stop paying rent at any stage regardless of what the landlord/agent does.
Fourteen days rent arrears is sufficient grounds for your landlord to give you 14 days notice to leave.
It’s much safer and much more effective to apply to the Tribunal for a solution.
Don’t move out without giving the required notice as you may end up losing your bond.
Contact your local tenancy advice and advocacy service for advice and assistance if you feel you are getting nowhere with the landlord/agent. See Useful Contacts.
Apply to the NSW Civil and Administrative Tribunal for a remedy.
It’s your right to get assistance from the Tribunal – take advantage of it!